Moving Forward

Deserted. Not occupied. Not inhabited. Space. The black hole that contains nothing. The vacuum. Realizing that the void is not a new phenomenon for me. The void appears in many roles and forms. Personal relationships, family, significant others, the various roles I play as a life partner, mother, employee, scholar, teacher, promoter, coach, artist, and the list goes on. The black hole is there, and not just with personal relationships. It is there in all the roles I play in this beautiful life.  The void remains as I attempt to fill it with projects, drive, the wrong people, because the emotional needs I had in my youth were not met. Rejection is a feeling I am all to familiar with. Why? I prove myself, strive to reach beyond expectations. Still... the void remains. I set myself up for failure, with the unconscious set up of being let down.  I allow judgement, abandonment, manipulations, lies,  cheating, bullying, emotional abandonment, detachment, and feel devalued. A n...

We determine our own destiny, happiness, and we are not victims. We determine our own experiences. Learning to be alone has been very difficult for me. I have recently identified that my main fear is the fear of being alone. I have not had my own identify until now. For over 17 years, I identified myself as the "wife" and prior to that the "daughter."  Sometimes I do feel a little overwhelmed. Recently, I had to make a very hard decision regarding my professional life. Realizing that I must balance a strong relationship with my two sons, I made a tough and final decision. For a short moment last weekend, I had a few regrets. Emotionally, I have always turned to one or two people during moments of change and for the first time last weekend, I realized I am ALONE. Who am I? Can I do this? How will I fix my plumbing, work on my AC unit, check my car tires, landscape, etc.?  Learning that I am valuable, setting appropriate boundaries in difficult situations to defi...