Thursday, July 27, 2017

Learning To Let Go

Over the course of a year, I have had to come to terms with a few hard truths. I looked up, and myself and my phenomenal kids began entering a new stage.  Both sons,  now teenagers, have expressed missing their father to many, and we both so miss our family and friends in Erath County. I completed a PhD. and I now know that I have some very big research initiatives to pursue. The hard truth was evident; this isn't working. But then again, the last four years has been nothing but a series of events in which I have had to learn to let go.

Leaving a small town was extremely hard on us, and the pain of letting go was and is still very raw and real.  A hole in our heart is still a very BIG issue. My kids have only known life on a very large historical nursery located in the center of  Texas. We have had a few obstacles in our path and we were fortunate to have some new experiences. I am grateful to the people I met along the way. They helped us through a very hard time, and we are so much stronger due to their love, example, and guidance.

We are grateful to all of our new friends and experiences, which continue to shape us to become an improved global citizen.  We have had to develop social skills, skills that we didn't really have to acquire until these experiences. Growing up around Early, Texas and Stephenville, Texas in the 1980's offered a community in which had connections to my grandparents, family, and friends from birth. My sons have never had a next door neighbor within reach, a babysitter, outside of immediate family, until we had to leave the Stephenville area. They are fortunate to have a very special place, their dad's farm, a Stephenville and Texas historical landmark. Letting go was hard, but I gained a strong faith and trust in our Creator. I now know that I have great work to do that requires the ability to serve the less fortunate.

So, I knew in my heart this day would come. The day I let my sons' happiness overrule my need to be the "perfect" mom. They need their dad, and their ancestors worked hard to provide our boys the opportunity to live on the land they worked hard to secure. I love them so much and know our peace is more important the the need to win. I know someday they will look back and know why things happened as they did and that I was and continue to be their number one cheerleader.

I am letting go of the need to be perfect, of what other people think, and of taking things personally.


Sunday, January 22, 2017

The Advantages to Waiting....

This weekend we were challenged to consider the advantages of waiting. Often I find myself criticizing the youth of today and their need for "instant" gratification. However, I am so guilty of the same actions and of not taking time to wait. One of our pastors today was so accurate when he reminded us that we have a lot to learn from the art of waiting. We do live in a culture that lives "on demand", In fact, the great leaders of our world are often called to wait. I think of Nelson Mandela, who continued to choose to learn from his mistakes, sacrificed, and is a prime example to me on the art of waiting. Today we were given the example of Joseph, the great dreamer, forced to wait in prison for 12 years for a crime of which he was innocent, before becoming a leader and fulfilling his purpose in life. We were posed with the following question.

What is the opportunity cost to getting what we want, when we want it?




I have recently realized that I tend to run when confronted with the hard lessons in life. Anyone that knows me, knows I want to go. I want a solution, a fix, and for me it is hard to wait. It is very hard to let go of things I have loved, fought for, and I often struggle to keep the faith during times of doubt. During these times, I have been so tempted to go back, to go home, to return to the place that was not meant for me. During these times, I have found myself being tempted to fall into the self-doubt trap. Listening to naysayers and at times asking questions of why. The self-doubt trap presented by or pastor this morning is all too familiar. His questions really hit home because I so often am confronted with the same evil enemy. Maybe they are correct. Possibly I am not talented enough, humble, or perhaps my past is not good enough. But then God reminds me......

Wait, Be Still. The promise land is just around the corner. You are a child of the light. You are good enough, forgiven, humble and you are in training.




I have struggled a lot to make sense of why,  but now I know that I have a destiny and life purpose. Through these struggles I have learned strong faith and understand that I am not alone. Today I also know, that becoming a strong leader requires the ability to follow. That has been a hard lesson for me.

How do we wait?

  1. With Silence: We cannot hear unless we are silent. 
  2. With Vigilance: We must meditate daily.
  3. With Expectation: We must identify our purpose, live with the faith that it will happen, and expect great outcomes.



Wednesday, January 4, 2017

A New Year Brings New Joys

During 2016, I completed my PhD and checked off a huge career milestone. There are so many people I am grateful to, encouraging me to the finish line. I am sure I will blog more about this later this month.


I can now get my life back. Wait a minute.... Life has drastically changed. What will I do now? I now have time to actually take care of myself. Practicing unconditional love toward myself is very hard. It is hard for me to not look toward others for strength. However, this year I am committed to learning how to practice extreme self care, focusing attention to spiritual growth, health, and home. I want to create a healthier balanced life, a new start, and leverage resources to live a creative, joyful, peaceful and abundant life. To kick this off, I have entered a 5K on Saturday, thanks to the encouragement of a good friend. Other friends are helping me by suggesting recipes, possible fitness centers, books, and I even had someone suggest that I subscribe to Dawn Jackson Blatner's weekly blog, the creator of The Superfood Swap this morning. Our wealth is found in our health. My strength is found in my sacred place found in my home. So, I am going to redesign a space in my home to encourage this.

This year I am going to do things that are FUN and make me happy! I am going to schedule activities that I enjoy to foster joy.  I realize that this year will be a year of personal growth centered on being self aware, learning to listen to my instincts, and trusting myself. It is about enjoying the journey as one of our PhD cohort members would often say. I am finally starting to understand what he meant by that statement.



Saturday, November 19, 2016

How To Begin Loving Yourself

I am continuing to work on myself and considering life goals and progress over the last year. This last year, I have been reminded on the importance of learning to value yourself. It takes time to work on yourself. After two years of counseling and completing many life goals and accomplishments, I find that I sometimes still struggle and feel overwhelmed as a single parent. I have learned the importance of life purpose, focus, to not react, the importance of boundaries, and have identified behaviors that I deserve in relationships with other people. I made a list of personality traits in August and this has helped me keep myself in check. Many friends and family would say the following to me. Learn to love yourself. How do you do this? I still struggle at times but feel my family is making great gains.

  • Be positive and live a life of purpose. 
  • Give to others without people knowing. 
  • Faith in God will carry you through. You are a light and are protected. 
  • Take actions that do not create shame but honor your body and spirit.
  • Take responsibility of every part of your life.
  • Advocate for yourself. You are deserving.
  • Eliminate anyone who lowers you're energy, and do not be ashamed to do so.
When people treat you bad, stop trying to figure out why. Their actions are a reflection of themselves, not you. You cannot alter your behavior to prevent their abuse. Stop focusing externally. Learn to focus internally.  Remove yourself from negative energy and negative enviornments. When someone treats you wrong, ask yourself the following question. Would you treat this person the same way? If the answer is no, learn that they don't deserve a place in your life. Once we leave toxic environments and abusive relationships, we should not worry about what others think. Release the need to convince others of the truth. You don't have to defend yourself when you have integrity. Live your life and focus on the positives in your life. This question will help you set boundaries. Boundaries will help you learn to love yourself. 










Monday, October 3, 2016

To Thine Own Self Be True

Reminders on how we can be kinder to ourselves.

Responsibility Versus Blame: Responsibility is making a conscious choice on how you will respond to a situation or idea. How can you learn from this experience? What can you learn from this experience? Blame creates guilt, guilt creates punishment and punishment creates pain. Respond to yourself and life in a loving way.

Relax and Meditate: Relaxation is essential to the healing process. We can't heal if we are tense. Mediation and deep breathing helps to be centered. Tell yourself that you love you and all is well. Notice how much easier your body is. Do this several times a day. What is it you need to know today? You can consider this question during meditation. Meditation creates the space in which we can quiet down and listen to your inner self. Become connected to yourself, through meditation.

Affirmations: Praise yourself as much as you can daily. Tell yourself, I love you. What can you do today to make yourself happy? Begin to learn to trust yourself. You deserve a GREAT life and to be treated as the top priority.  Don't be unwilling to accept good. Questions to ask.

  • What do you feel you deserve?
  • What is it you want that you do not have?
  • Do you always have to earn in order to deserve? 
  • Do you feel you deserve?
  • What belief is in the way of your deserving? 
  • What is the purpose of your life?
  • What meaning have you created? 
  • What are you willing to do to experience the good you deserve? 
    • Are you willing to forgive?
    • Are you willing to do affirmations?
Support Yourself: Reach out to friends and allow others to help you. Be strong by asking others for help. Join some meet up groups and start networking. 

Be Loving Toward Negatives: You created every negative situation in your life to fulfill a need. You can choose again and you can choose a different approach. This allows you to move into a new positive with ease. Punishing yourself keeps you tied and doesn't allow for anything new or better to come into your life. Release with love. Allow the new to come in. Our thoughts and words are very powerful. You are never wrong no matter what. Don't be angry at yourself. You are always doing the best you can until you know better. So, cut yourself a break.

Humor: Use laughter to heal. If a negative event occurs, use humor and laughter to heal. There is always something comical in every situation. 

Take Care of Your Body: Your body is your temple. Love your body and take care of it. Watch what you put into your body. Learn about nutrition as this is an act of loving ourselves. Notice what gives you good energy. 









Sunday, August 28, 2016

Future Focus

With the start of the school year, many regroup to reconsider goals. The two year anniversary of my divorce was last weekend and I found myself in a place of reflection. My family has learned so much these last two years. I am much stronger and cognizant of my surroundings, purpose, behaviors, and reactions to situations. None of us are perfect, but we need to be aware and conscious on how we react to situations. Is our reaction coming from a spirit of love, or is the reaction rooted in fear or anger? Here are some goals I hope to remind myself to consider this fall.

  1. Learn to cultivate gratitude. Care for your neighbors and community.
  2. Practice 3 outcomes or results that you are committed to 6 months out. For me wrapping up PhD hopefully in September, graduation in December, and health.
  3. Love is shown through ACTION, not words. How do you show love in all that you do?
  4. Care less, but love more. Fear and anger are the two emotions that hurt individuals the most. Fear or worry is an emotion that I have. Through prayer, faith, and love I hope to let this go.
  5. Be willing to not please people to do what is right.
  6. Be willing to end relationships that are not healthy.
  7. Allow yourself to be REAL. Be your authentic self. You are unique and beautiful. Ask yourself, who are you today? What are you here for? How can you enjoy this moment right now?
  8. It is important to cultivate a shared vision of the future. You cannot have one foot in the door and one foot out of the door. Recognize when the shared vision is missing and move on. It has been a struggle for me to not look backwards, which I do out of a spirit of fear. You are going forwards and life is short!
  9. Faith is REAL and works. Focus on your purpose. It is great to remember that you are a bright light serving a higher purpose, or your destiny.





Tuesday, August 9, 2016

The Big Leap!

Bitter sweet... is saying goodbye to elementary years as a parent forever soon. Both sons will be in junior high next year! Wonderful to have a year of healing with my sons. Anyone that knows me and knew my life with Uel knows that we visited the Wichita Mountains often and have camped in over 33 states, Canada, and Europe with the kids. 


 Nolan was assigned a teacher that was a little "old school" but has a heart of gold and is so dedicated. Without even knowing our background,  she led my kids to places that have significant meanings to our past. She doesn't know this, but my friends, former students and family in Dublin and Stephenville do. I literally found myself at Camp Grady Spruce (Dublin friends will smile about that), the Wichita Mountains (Uel and my old friends will smile), and the JFK museum(many of my former students and people who know me know I collect JFK memorabilia). We couldn't attend her campouts at Sid Richardson (I have 3 brothers that are eagle scouts and Uel is one also) due to custody arrangements. I knew the night I met her, she was extremely special. Nolan and Zeke had to start a new school this year and has had a rough 2 years. Praying and asking God each day to show me how to fix the situation, I knew that I had to put my career aspirations and needs aside for them and we needed a lot of help. We had a rough start this last fall as a family. In fact, The night of meet the teacher I didn't even have custody of the boys. They were still visiting their dad on the nursery in Stephenville. I felt horrible going to meet the teacher without my kids for the first time. As an educator, this felt so wrong. As a parent, my heart was broken. Yeah.. the feeling of failure overwhelmed me. When I met Ms. Luppy,  she introduced the schedule of the year to parents and told us about all of the field trips.  I did have tears in my eyes because many of the things we so miss about living in the country and memories from the past that included camping in the Wichita Mountains, the debates over Camp Grady Spruce in Dublin, and I wondered why was God putting these events in our lives? He did so to heal my family, show me where I might of been wrong about a few things in the past, teach me a few lessons about myself, and placed people in my path to help make that happen. For that I am eternally grateful.