Thursday, July 27, 2017

Learning To Let Go

Over the course of a year, I have had to come to terms with a few hard truths. I looked up, and myself and my phenomenal kids began entering a new stage.  Both sons,  now teenagers, have expressed missing their father to many, and we both so miss our family and friends in Erath County. I completed a PhD. and I now know that I have some very big research initiatives to pursue. The hard truth was evident; this isn't working. But then again, the last four years has been nothing but a series of events in which I have had to learn to let go.

Leaving a small town was extremely hard on us, and the pain of letting go was and is still very raw and real.  A hole in our heart is still a very BIG issue. My kids have only known life on a very large historical nursery located in the center of  Texas. We have had a few obstacles in our path and we were fortunate to have some new experiences. I am grateful to the people I met along the way. They helped us through a very hard time, and we are so much stronger due to their love, example, and guidance.

We are grateful to all of our new friends and experiences, which continue to shape us to become an improved global citizen.  We have had to develop social skills, skills that we didn't really have to acquire until these experiences. Growing up around Early, Texas and Stephenville, Texas in the 1980's offered a community in which had connections to my grandparents, family, and friends from birth. My sons have never had a next door neighbor within reach, a babysitter, outside of immediate family, until we had to leave the Stephenville area. They are fortunate to have a very special place, their dad's farm, a Stephenville and Texas historical landmark. Letting go was hard, but I gained a strong faith and trust in our Creator. I now know that I have great work to do that requires the ability to serve the less fortunate.

So, I knew in my heart this day would come. The day I let my sons' happiness overrule my need to be the "perfect" mom. They need their dad, and their ancestors worked hard to provide our boys the opportunity to live on the land they worked hard to secure. I love them so much and know our peace is more important the the need to win. I know someday they will look back and know why things happened as they did and that I was and continue to be their number one cheerleader.

I am letting go of the need to be perfect, of what other people think, and of taking things personally.

Sunday, January 22, 2017

The Advantages to Waiting....

This weekend we were challenged to consider the advantages of waiting. Often I find myself criticizing the youth of today and their need for "instant" gratification. However, I am so guilty of the same actions and of not taking time to wait. One of our pastors today was so accurate when he reminded us that we have a lot to learn from the art of waiting. We do live in a culture that lives "on demand", In fact, the great leaders of our world are often called to wait. I think of Nelson Mandela, who continued to choose to learn from his mistakes, sacrificed, and is a prime example to me on the art of waiting. Today we were given the example of Joseph, the great dreamer, forced to wait in prison for 12 years for a crime of which he was innocent, before becoming a leader and fulfilling his purpose in life. We were posed with the following question.

What is the opportunity cost to getting what we want, when we want it?

I have recently realized that I tend to run when confronted with the hard lessons in life. Anyone that knows me, knows I want to go. I want a solution, a fix, and for me it is hard to wait. It is very hard to let go of things I have loved, fought for, and I often struggle to keep the faith during times of doubt. During these times, I have been so tempted to go back, to go home, to return to the place that was not meant for me. During these times, I have found myself being tempted to fall into the self-doubt trap. Listening to naysayers and at times asking questions of why. The self-doubt trap presented by or pastor this morning is all too familiar. His questions really hit home because I so often am confronted with the same evil enemy. Maybe they are correct. Possibly I am not talented enough, humble, or perhaps my past is not good enough. But then God reminds me......

Wait, Be Still. The promise land is just around the corner. You are a child of the light. You are good enough, forgiven, humble and you are in training.

I have struggled a lot to make sense of why,  but now I know that I have a destiny and life purpose. Through these struggles I have learned strong faith and understand that I am not alone. Today I also know, that becoming a strong leader requires the ability to follow. That has been a hard lesson for me.

How do we wait?

  1. With Silence: We cannot hear unless we are silent. 
  2. With Vigilance: We must meditate daily.
  3. With Expectation: We must identify our purpose, live with the faith that it will happen, and expect great outcomes.

Wednesday, January 4, 2017

A New Year Brings New Joys

During 2016, I completed my PhD and checked off a huge career milestone. There are so many people I am grateful to, encouraging me to the finish line. I am sure I will blog more about this later this month.

I can now get my life back. Wait a minute.... Life has drastically changed. What will I do now? I now have time to actually take care of myself. Practicing unconditional love toward myself is very hard. It is hard for me to not look toward others for strength. However, this year I am committed to learning how to practice extreme self care, focusing attention to spiritual growth, health, and home. I want to create a healthier balanced life, a new start, and leverage resources to live a creative, joyful, peaceful and abundant life. To kick this off, I have entered a 5K on Saturday, thanks to the encouragement of a good friend. Other friends are helping me by suggesting recipes, possible fitness centers, books, and I even had someone suggest that I subscribe to Dawn Jackson Blatner's weekly blog, the creator of The Superfood Swap this morning. Our wealth is found in our health. My strength is found in my sacred place found in my home. So, I am going to redesign a space in my home to encourage this.

This year I am going to do things that are FUN and make me happy! I am going to schedule activities that I enjoy to foster joy.  I realize that this year will be a year of personal growth centered on being self aware, learning to listen to my instincts, and trusting myself. It is about enjoying the journey as one of our PhD cohort members would often say. I am finally starting to understand what he meant by that statement.