Saturday, November 19, 2016

How To Begin Loving Yourself

I am continuing to work on myself and considering life goals and progress over the last year. This last year, I have been reminded on the importance of learning to value yourself. It takes time to work on yourself. After two years of counseling and completing many life goals and accomplishments, I find that I sometimes still struggle and feel overwhelmed as a single parent. I have learned the importance of life purpose, focus, to not react, the importance of boundaries, and have identified behaviors that I deserve in relationships with other people. I made a list of personality traits in August and this has helped me keep myself in check. Many friends and family would say the following to me. Learn to love yourself. How do you do this? I still struggle at times but feel my family is making great gains.

  • Be positive and live a life of purpose. 
  • Give to others without people knowing. 
  • Faith in God will carry you through. You are a light and are protected. 
  • Take actions that do not create shame but honor your body and spirit.
  • Take responsibility of every part of your life.
  • Advocate for yourself. You are deserving.
  • Eliminate anyone who lowers you're energy, and do not be ashamed to do so.
When people treat you bad, stop trying to figure out why. Their actions are a reflection of themselves, not you. You cannot alter your behavior to prevent their abuse. Stop focusing externally. Learn to focus internally.  Remove yourself from negative energy and negative enviornments. When someone treats you wrong, ask yourself the following question. Would you treat this person the same way? If the answer is no, learn that they don't deserve a place in your life. Once we leave toxic environments and abusive relationships, we should not worry about what others think. Release the need to convince others of the truth. You don't have to defend yourself when you have integrity. Live your life and focus on the positives in your life. This question will help you set boundaries. Boundaries will help you learn to love yourself. 

Monday, October 3, 2016

To Thine Own Self Be True

Reminders on how we can be kinder to ourselves.

Responsibility Versus Blame: Responsibility is making a conscious choice on how you will respond to a situation or idea. How can you learn from this experience? What can you learn from this experience? Blame creates guilt, guilt creates punishment and punishment creates pain. Respond to yourself and life in a loving way.

Relax and Meditate: Relaxation is essential to the healing process. We can't heal if we are tense. Mediation and deep breathing helps to be centered. Tell yourself that you love you and all is well. Notice how much easier your body is. Do this several times a day. What is it you need to know today? You can consider this question during meditation. Meditation creates the space in which we can quiet down and listen to your inner self. Become connected to yourself, through meditation.

Affirmations: Praise yourself as much as you can daily. Tell yourself, I love you. What can you do today to make yourself happy? Begin to learn to trust yourself. You deserve a GREAT life and to be treated as the top priority.  Don't be unwilling to accept good. Questions to ask.

  • What do you feel you deserve?
  • What is it you want that you do not have?
  • Do you always have to earn in order to deserve? 
  • Do you feel you deserve?
  • What belief is in the way of your deserving? 
  • What is the purpose of your life?
  • What meaning have you created? 
  • What are you willing to do to experience the good you deserve? 
    • Are you willing to forgive?
    • Are you willing to do affirmations?
Support Yourself: Reach out to friends and allow others to help you. Be strong by asking others for help. Join some meet up groups and start networking. 

Be Loving Toward Negatives: You created every negative situation in your life to fulfill a need. You can choose again and you can choose a different approach. This allows you to move into a new positive with ease. Punishing yourself keeps you tied and doesn't allow for anything new or better to come into your life. Release with love. Allow the new to come in. Our thoughts and words are very powerful. You are never wrong no matter what. Don't be angry at yourself. You are always doing the best you can until you know better. So, cut yourself a break.

Humor: Use laughter to heal. If a negative event occurs, use humor and laughter to heal. There is always something comical in every situation. 

Take Care of Your Body: Your body is your temple. Love your body and take care of it. Watch what you put into your body. Learn about nutrition as this is an act of loving ourselves. Notice what gives you good energy. 

Sunday, August 28, 2016

Future Focus

With the start of the school year, many regroup to reconsider goals. The two year anniversary of my divorce was last weekend and I found myself in a place of reflection. My family has learned so much these last two years. I am much stronger and cognizant of my surroundings, purpose, behaviors, and reactions to situations. None of us are perfect, but we need to be aware and conscious on how we react to situations. Is our reaction coming from a spirit of love, or is the reaction rooted in fear or anger? Here are some goals I hope to remind myself to consider this fall.

  1. Learn to cultivate gratitude. Care for your neighbors and community.
  2. Practice 3 outcomes or results that you are committed to 6 months out. For me wrapping up PhD hopefully in September, graduation in December, and health.
  3. Love is shown through ACTION, not words. How do you show love in all that you do?
  4. Care less, but love more. Fear and anger are the two emotions that hurt individuals the most. Fear or worry is an emotion that I have. Through prayer, faith, and love I hope to let this go.
  5. Be willing to not please people to do what is right.
  6. Be willing to end relationships that are not healthy.
  7. Allow yourself to be REAL. Be your authentic self. You are unique and beautiful. Ask yourself, who are you today? What are you here for? How can you enjoy this moment right now?
  8. It is important to cultivate a shared vision of the future. You cannot have one foot in the door and one foot out of the door. Recognize when the shared vision is missing and move on. It has been a struggle for me to not look backwards, which I do out of a spirit of fear. You are going forwards and life is short!
  9. Faith is REAL and works. Focus on your purpose. It is great to remember that you are a bright light serving a higher purpose, or your destiny.

Tuesday, August 9, 2016

The Big Leap!

Bitter sweet... is saying goodbye to elementary years as a parent forever soon. Both sons will be in junior high next year! Wonderful to have a year of healing with my sons. Anyone that knows me and knew my life with Uel knows that we visited the Wichita Mountains often and have camped in over 33 states, Canada, and Europe with the kids. 

 Nolan was assigned a teacher that was a little "old school" but has a heart of gold and is so dedicated. Without even knowing our background,  she led my kids to places that have significant meanings to our past. She doesn't know this, but my friends, former students and family in Dublin and Stephenville do. I literally found myself at Camp Grady Spruce (Dublin friends will smile about that), the Wichita Mountains (Uel and my old friends will smile), and the JFK museum(many of my former students and people who know me know I collect JFK memorabilia). We couldn't attend her campouts at Sid Richardson (I have 3 brothers that are eagle scouts and Uel is one also) due to custody arrangements. I knew the night I met her, she was extremely special. Nolan and Zeke had to start a new school this year and has had a rough 2 years. Praying and asking God each day to show me how to fix the situation, I knew that I had to put my career aspirations and needs aside for them and we needed a lot of help. We had a rough start this last fall as a family. In fact, The night of meet the teacher I didn't even have custody of the boys. They were still visiting their dad on the nursery in Stephenville. I felt horrible going to meet the teacher without my kids for the first time. As an educator, this felt so wrong. As a parent, my heart was broken. Yeah.. the feeling of failure overwhelmed me. When I met Ms. Luppy,  she introduced the schedule of the year to parents and told us about all of the field trips.  I did have tears in my eyes because many of the things we so miss about living in the country and memories from the past that included camping in the Wichita Mountains, the debates over Camp Grady Spruce in Dublin, and I wondered why was God putting these events in our lives? He did so to heal my family, show me where I might of been wrong about a few things in the past, teach me a few lessons about myself, and placed people in my path to help make that happen. For that I am eternally grateful.  

Wednesday, March 2, 2016


Deserted. Not occupied. Not inhabited. Space. The black hole that contains nothing. The vacuum. Realizing that the void is not a new phenomenon for me. The void appears in many roles and forms. Personal relationships, family, significant others, the various roles I play as a life partner, mother, employee, scholar, teacher, promoter, coach, artist, and the list goes on. The black hole is there, and not just with personal relationships. It is there in all the roles I play in this beautiful life.  The void remains as I attempt to fill it with projects, drive, the wrong people, because the emotional needs I had in my youth were not met. Rejection is a feeling I am all to familiar with. Why? I prove myself, strive to reach beyond expectations. Still... the void remains. I set myself up for failure, with the unconscious set up of being let down.  I allow judgement, abandonment, manipulations, lies,  cheating, bullying, emotional abandonment, detachment, and feel devalued. A negative cycle and codependent cycle continues. Those needs I have carried with me from my youth and have led to a strong and beautiful spirit who has found it difficult to trust anyone.

Today is different. I'm wide awake and in control of my emotions. I am no longer a victim. I take responsibility for the bad decisions I have made.  I realize that the void has nothing to do with the recent let downs in my life. In fact, after thinking about things I know it is a deeper reaction to a problem that goes way back and has little to do with the rejections I have received over the last few years. The great news is that I see crystal clear, have identified the cause, and realize that I can rely on internal truths of faith and that my purpose is real. No one can take that purpose from me.

Today my faith was restored in one of the most important roles I play, my career. I became career driven because I knew my career  and knowledge would never abandon me. However, that fear of rejection (of being alone)  over the last 3-4 years has played its way in this area of my life too. Today was different. Today I broke through. The vote of confidence I received today so greatly restored my faith in others, a trust that I will not take for granted.  Gratitude for new beginnings and insight. Grateful for healing and for feeling real. Faith and prayer that my creator will put situations in my life in the near future in which I can gain insight on just how worthy I am. In internal truth and on my own I will learn authentic empowerment.

Sunday, February 14, 2016

Alone is Ok!

We determine our own destiny, happiness, and we are not victims. We determine our own experiences. Learning to be alone has been very difficult for me. I have recently identified that my main fear is the fear of being alone. I have not had my own identify until now. For over 17 years, I identified myself as the "wife" and prior to that the "daughter."  Sometimes I do feel a little overwhelmed. Recently, I had to make a very hard decision regarding my professional life. Realizing that I must balance a strong relationship with my two sons, I made a tough and final decision. For a short moment last weekend, I had a few regrets. Emotionally, I have always turned to one or two people during moments of change and for the first time last weekend, I realized I am ALONE.

Who am I? Can I do this? How will I fix my plumbing, work on my AC unit, check my car tires, landscape, etc.?  Learning that I am valuable, setting appropriate boundaries in difficult situations to define how I will be treated, and putting myself out there to meet new people has helped me to feel healthier and stronger. Developing a strong social network, outside of career, has helped me to surround myself with people who share the same Christian beliefs, experiences, and hobbies that I do. Many are single women, struggling with the same issues I am. Recently, we attended a lecture in which we learned about the brain and the brain's response to past traumatic events in your life.  We participated in a series of activities to identify our fears and it was so powerful to finally identify my root fear, the fear of being ALONE. I have had this fear since my senior year of high school and due to recent events I have been able to now take steps to learn to embrace my fear.  How did I identify my fear?

  1. Identify Patterns. What are patterns you have encountered in your personal relationships, family, work, and extended relationships? 
  2. Identify Triggers: Identifying your triggers will help you feel in control of your life. You learn to understand behaviors and become emotionally strong.
  3. Identify Life Purpose: Create a mental picture of your gift and uniqueness in life because you do matter and have a gift to share with the world. Doing this assists you in letting go of the need to react to injustices (which is really other's insecurities), realizing that you have a higher calling in life. 
  4. Identify Fears: Identifying your fear will assist you isolating and knowing how to build personal strength so you can cope with your fear. 
The above list is a process and I still have moments when I am confronted with my fear. The difference now is that I am aware of it and am able to take time out to respond appropriately. I have realized that I have only had one or two people in my life, usually a life partner, that I emotionally attached to. As a result, they became my entire world, which is not very healthy. When that relationship disappoints, I feel devalued. As a result, a dysfunctional cycle occurs because I had not really secured my own identify, due to a fear of being rejected and alone. 

You are a whole person right now at this moment. The good news, no matter where you are God is here in this moment. You are loved at this moment and are in this place equipped to handle anything.