Wednesday, March 2, 2016

Voids

Deserted. Not occupied. Not inhabited. Space. The black hole that contains nothing. The vacuum. Realizing that the void is not a new phenomenon for me. The void appears in many roles and forms. Personal relationships, family, significant others, the various roles I play as a life partner, mother, employee, scholar, teacher, promoter, coach, artist, and the list goes on. The black hole is there, and not just with personal relationships. It is there in all the roles I play in this beautiful life.  The void remains as I attempt to fill it with projects, drive, the wrong people, because the emotional needs I had in my youth were not met. Rejection is a feeling I am all to familiar with. Why? I prove myself, strive to reach beyond expectations. Still... the void remains. I set myself up for failure, with the unconscious set up of being let down.  I allow judgement, abandonment, manipulations, lies,  cheating, bullying, emotional abandonment, detachment, and feel devalued. A negative cycle and codependent cycle continues. Those needs I have carried with me from my youth and have led to a strong and beautiful spirit who has found it difficult to trust anyone.

Today is different. I'm wide awake and in control of my emotions. I am no longer a victim. I take responsibility for the bad decisions I have made.  I realize that the void has nothing to do with the recent let downs in my life. In fact, after thinking about things I know it is a deeper reaction to a problem that goes way back and has little to do with the rejections I have received over the last few years. The great news is that I see crystal clear, have identified the cause, and realize that I can rely on internal truths of faith and that my purpose is real. No one can take that purpose from me.

Today my faith was restored in one of the most important roles I play, my career. I became career driven because I knew my career  and knowledge would never abandon me. However, that fear of rejection (of being alone)  over the last 3-4 years has played its way in this area of my life too. Today was different. Today I broke through. The vote of confidence I received today so greatly restored my faith in others, a trust that I will not take for granted.  Gratitude for new beginnings and insight. Grateful for healing and for feeling real. Faith and prayer that my creator will put situations in my life in the near future in which I can gain insight on just how worthy I am. In internal truth and on my own I will learn authentic empowerment.