The Inner Journey Toward Peace

 Over the last few weeks, I have felt an immense need to write and journal my thoughts regarding my inner journey and continuous work to heal and grow toward an improved life pursuing the path of peace. This spring immediately brought about an awareness of "peace" that comes in the midst of a great storm. It was perhaps the worst 2 weeks of my life. After a decade of struggling emotionally to restore relationships with my children walking through a decade of spiritual warfare, I naively believed it was finally over. After all, we had such a peaceful and wonderful Christmas holiday. I could feel my family finally coming together. And then like a thief in the night, the darkness nearly swallowed my family whole. A year previously, my estranged oldest son asked an honest question regarding our youngest son Nolan. Apparently somewhere along the way during the last decade, a very ugly and false idea was placed on his heart that the cause for the divorce was that Nolan was not his full blood brother. Of course this is entirely false. The entire 10 years of custody battle, never was this brought up in hearings, court documents, etc. I was very shocked and suddenly it all started to make sense. Zeke's anger toward me, refusal to visit, the parent alienation just continued. Circle a full year later, our relationship is on the up and up, things are better, and in the middle of the night, I get a phone call. Apparently, Zeke was in another altercation with the police, he was calling for me in pain, and was committed to a psych ward for evaluation. His stepmom and dad immediately blocked all access.  I had posted a photo of our family, all smiles, just days previously. Little did I realize that days later both of my kids would be in a mental health facility. Nolan had learned of the rumor, they were dividing property, and all the enemy's lies/abuse/hurts came to a head. A month later, we were all left in amazement. Nolan learned that he was in fact Zeke's full brother. Truth was revealed and an awareness that counseling for both boys was of course still needed (after they moved back to their dads, they stopped attending). They have now both been in counseling this spring, and I was able to at least develop an understanding as to why my oldest son has had trust issues his entire teenage life. I immediately seeking God, heartbroken, feeling helpless, and then remembering that I had selected Peace as my theme for 2024. Funny how God always uses items like a "word" to really teach us deep spiritual truths. I immediately searched and found support from my amazing husband, counselor, pastor, and church family. 

My pastor had given me a book earlier in the year to read, Journey of the Soul. It is a practical guide to growth, looking at the connections of not only spiritual growth but also emotional growth, using stages. These stages are not linear in nature. I have found the books so very helpful for my own healing journey. After a deep dive into the readings, I realized I had been hitting The Wall stage ever since I arrived in Alpine and remarried. I had made great gains on my spiritual and emotional journey, realizing that I was just completely exhausted. In the last 3 years, we have really worked on boundaries, saying no, and this year removing myself from many committees at church/work/etc. I think my response to this stressful spring incident with my sons, really finally pushed me through the Wall. In fact, I remember feeling exhausted emotionally, longing for peace, and wishing for healing for the boys. Yes, I was disappointed once again, angry that a lie did so much internal and spiritual damage to my family. Realizing that alone, I was helpless. Reminded again that God is in control. 

I moved to really focus on my inner healing in early spring and God had placed some amazing professional connections in my path as we lead others during eclipse activities. I have identified that I am in the "I" stage or Inner Journey. I realized that maybe I have had so much anxiety from spiritual attacks and waiting for the next ball to drop. Pouring myself into ministries and other people's problems to escape some hard truths.  Trust is hard for me, and I am just now realizing that. My mother has suffered much abuse, and I realize that this is generational trauma that I have been overcoming for myself and hopefully eventually my kids. Parents have their own baggage. My mom never shows emotion and has never been fully emotionally available. My parents have solely focused on spiritual growth and are both extremely immature emotionally. I think this is one reason why this book speaks so much to me. For example, my parents have no boundaries and are very controlling. Psalms 23 reminds us as what it is like coming out of a dark valley. I feel that today. Like the author suggests, I have been promoted in front of my enemies for his greater purpose. I have in the last few weeks, realized that I have been denying emotions, maybe this was something I learned growing up as well. Recognizing reality is very hard. I am a fixer, thinker, doer. It is hard for me to be still. Ouch... being still brings about feelings and emotional reflections. However, it is time for me to really focus on my restoration. I am so grateful for time to do so, for the quietness to heal, for the ability to say no, and for a loving husband who seeks God. I felt the winds of peace hitting me finally in May. A peace, a warmness, a smile, the sun... I feel God's love and support, encouraging me to be fully present with him. We overcame. God is providing opportunities, blessings, and has me in the palm of his hands. I know the full power of his protection and grace, as I am far from perfect. The great news is that I am forgiven, and it is time for me to breathe.  Since I am forgiven, I must choose to forgive daily the abuse, a daily prayer. I think I am finally to that point.