Sunday, February 14, 2016

Alone is Ok!

We determine our own destiny, happiness, and we are not victims. We determine our own experiences. Learning to be alone has been very difficult for me. I have recently identified that my main fear is the fear of being alone. I have not had my own identify until now. For over 17 years, I identified myself as the "wife" and prior to that the "daughter."  Sometimes I do feel a little overwhelmed. Recently, I had to make a very hard decision regarding my professional life. Realizing that I must balance a strong relationship with my two sons, I made a tough and final decision. For a short moment last weekend, I had a few regrets. Emotionally, I have always turned to one or two people during moments of change and for the first time last weekend, I realized I am ALONE.

Who am I? Can I do this? How will I fix my plumbing, work on my AC unit, check my car tires, landscape, etc.?  Learning that I am valuable, setting appropriate boundaries in difficult situations to define how I will be treated, and putting myself out there to meet new people has helped me to feel healthier and stronger. Developing a strong social network, outside of career, has helped me to surround myself with people who share the same Christian beliefs, experiences, and hobbies that I do. Many are single women, struggling with the same issues I am. Recently, we attended a lecture in which we learned about the brain and the brain's response to past traumatic events in your life.  We participated in a series of activities to identify our fears and it was so powerful to finally identify my root fear, the fear of being ALONE. I have had this fear since my senior year of high school and due to recent events I have been able to now take steps to learn to embrace my fear.  How did I identify my fear?

  1. Identify Patterns. What are patterns you have encountered in your personal relationships, family, work, and extended relationships? 
  2. Identify Triggers: Identifying your triggers will help you feel in control of your life. You learn to understand behaviors and become emotionally strong.
  3. Identify Life Purpose: Create a mental picture of your gift and uniqueness in life because you do matter and have a gift to share with the world. Doing this assists you in letting go of the need to react to injustices (which is really other's insecurities), realizing that you have a higher calling in life. 
  4. Identify Fears: Identifying your fear will assist you isolating and knowing how to build personal strength so you can cope with your fear. 
The above list is a process and I still have moments when I am confronted with my fear. The difference now is that I am aware of it and am able to take time out to respond appropriately. I have realized that I have only had one or two people in my life, usually a life partner, that I emotionally attached to. As a result, they became my entire world, which is not very healthy. When that relationship disappoints, I feel devalued. As a result, a dysfunctional cycle occurs because I had not really secured my own identify, due to a fear of being rejected and alone. 

You are a whole person right now at this moment. The good news, no matter where you are God is here in this moment. You are loved at this moment and are in this place equipped to handle anything. 


  1. Well my friend you have come a long way in 3 years. It only gets better as you get healthy

  2. Well my friend you have come a long way in 3 years. It only gets better as you get healthy