Reflecting on Spiritual Life

A few years ago, working through some health issues, I began creating a Vision Board each new Year. It serves as a visual reminder of goals I set to work on throughout the year to help with a healthy balance or marriage of ideas to mind, body, and spirit. I am far from perfect and need a lot of help and reminders to keep me on track. I tend to escape into my work, seeking a purpose, and have worked through a lot... learning to set boundaries with others, using my voice when appropriate, working on gratitude, healing, etc. I still find myself sometimes out of balance and checklists seem to help.  Last August I was super excited to book a trip to visit a dear friend but was disappointed when for reasons beyond my understanding was canceled last minute. I had wished that she had the courage to communicate honestly but reassured her that I understood.  I was disappointed but decided to use the weekend we had planned to work on myself, wellness, and my spirit. This time my disappointment wasn't longed lived. I recognize signs of abuse and realize my friend is just trying to survive her situation. Continuing a relationship with me must be threatening to her spouse for some unknown reason. Sure I was willing to pay for everything. She only needed to invest her time into our friendship. For some reason, this just wasn't possible. Although I was rejected, I didn't take it personally. Just sad that a 15-year friendship isn't as strong as it could be. I am also sad that my friend is so controlled by her husband. That he finds a weekend every 5 years threatening to their relationship. After all, this was something that I try to do each year. I am however grateful for that opportunity to take time to focus on my spiritual health and personal time this weekend. I booked a solo trip to visit a hot spring in New Mexico.

So, this entry will probably be a lengthy one. I may not share it out but it is needed. I am reading through the book The Marriage of Spirit, Enlighted Living in Today's World. Suggestions include using a journal to help place theory into practice. This blog has been an outlet for this type of practice. Also, it suggests trying to recall memories from mystical and spiritual experiences from the past, even in childhood as life is a spiral and we tend to repeat patterns.  So, here are my memories this morning.

1. Baptism, 1982:   I remember early on wishing to please my parents at 6 years of age, to earn their approval. So, I accepted Christ and was baptized. I do believe that I did this and was brought into the kingdom of Christ on that day. I remember walking into the cold water and the pastor, Rev. Scaggs, baptizing me. 

2. Missionary, 1987:   I remember meeting missionaries serving in Africa at a summer camp and wishing I could travel afar and work in the mission field in 5th grade. I believed that I had been called for a higher purpose at that time. These selfless women were heroes. I wanted to be like them. I wanted my life to have a lasting impact on the world. I think this is when I decided that my purpose was for a higher calling. I decided to become a teacher at age 18 but I think this influenced my decision. 

3. High School Spiritual Let Down, 1992:  I remember the disappointment I felt in high school when I experienced a pastor gaslighting and bullying me, with several other "Christian" church followers joining in. I realize now that he also bullied my mother. I also realize now that my father was behind much of this and continued to force this man into our lives until his death. Throughout my adult years when I would come to a family BBQ, my father would invite this man, a surprise often. It began when my father woke me up one morning to tell me that he had found my mother in the bathtub with a rifle and that he was taking her to a mental hospital. At the time, I was in shock. My grandfather had shot himself 4 years earlier. I couldn't believe she would attempt to do something similar. We had just moved to Stephenville and I didn't want to move to a new town, leave the country, etc. We had only been in Stephenville 1 year when this occurred. I didn't see my mom that day or her sister. I was told that my aunt and dad would be taken her to the hospital. During the next 2 months, the pastor would visit often. 

Later in life, I heard from my aunt that my mother was not found with a shotgun in the bathtub and she was very surprised to hear my version of dad's story. So, I don't know what to believe. After experiencing what I have experienced, I tend to think that my mom was being abused and that my father made that entire story up so that I would be on "his" side. This situation brought about a lot of anger from me toward my mother throughout high school. She was never there emotionally for me as a teenager or adult. We have no emotional connection really, just a superficial hi, how are you. I have observed that my mom doesn't have an emotional connection with anyone. The pastor encouraged this narrative and the following year, I found the pastor visiting an older friend of mine that worked with me in a department store.  I later found out that he would pay for her dry cleaning and deliver it to her house each week. It became apparent to me that the relationship was more intimate and when the pastor knew that I had uncovered his secret, he became very abusive toward me. 

I thought that he was the first narcissist in a long line of male narcissists that gaslighted me through my family. However, I now realize my father was that first narcissist.  I witnessed my father instigating behaviors and also witnessed the same pastor with my father's encouragement misstating issues experienced by my mother during her depression. I realize now that this was a difficult experience in my life and left a permanent mark or trauma that I spent decades trying to overcome. I now feel a huge amount of empathy toward my mother.  In fact, I left the church due to this experience for around 10 years. I was a practicing agnostic and was spiritually dead for around 13 years. I had a large hole in my heart from age 15-28. 

At 46, I am more upset with my father for encouraging all of this and see that he scapegoated me way back. I realize now that they both, my father and the pastor,  bused my mother through the disguise of religion or moral superiority. I found it hard to trust church or religion after my experience with this episode. This four-year period, 16-20 brought about a huge distance between my family and me. I was mislabeled, gaslighted, and falsely accused of being a drug addict (which just pushed me into a crowd of partying to include building strong friendships with college students and college dropouts and blue-collar workers who occasionally experienced with drugs) because I hung out with other misfits and such. I seemed to feel accepted by them and was able to feel a sense of family from 17-21. They were the only ones truly there for me during this time. 

4. Focusing on the World, 1998:  I felt God's presence leading up to that day. It was a beautiful outdoor wedding. Unfortunately following the event, I was abused physically and emotionally. While the physical abuse improved after he stopped drinking, the emotional abuse continued daily for 17 years. I didn't know how to handle the situation and had no real support to really help me navigate how to get out. I felt pressure from my family to just work it out. After all, I am difficult.. See number 3. I tried for 17 years to work it out with many cases of abuse and know that I wouldn't be alive today if I had stayed for year 18. I was 21 years old when we married and he was 33. This should have been a red flag but I was seeking security as my family had basically abandoned me. I also wanted to travel around the world and experience different cultures. 

5.  Coming Back to Spirituality, 2003:  I remember being pregnant in Costa Rica and having an accident with Zeke. I was stuck in a hospital and didn't know if I had experienced a miscarriage or not. A priest came and sprinkled water over me and my stomach and said prayers in Latin. This was very emotional for me. I prayed the entire weekend. On Monday morning, a Methodist missionary, Mary Miller, showed up and really facilitated my rebirth or renewable in Christ. I realized that I was a Christian and that not all Christians were abusive or hypocritical. I decided to join the Methodist church after this experience. I was 28 years old. 

6. First Spiritual Study as an Adult, 2005, What the Bleep following Costa Rica at 28:  Quantium physics bible study group brought me back to a spiritual life.... a be it a weak spiritual life. I was very untrusting of the church but realized that I could set the terms. 

7. Joining the Church Officially and United Methodist Women, 2005:  I was 30 when I rejoined the church officially,  joining the Methodist church, and I immediately decided to get involved with the women group for missions. I am so glad I did as this helped me to begin healing. However, many quit talking to me when I left Uel at 38. This was disappointing to me. 

8. White's Chapel Years, 2014-2018:  It was here that I really began trusting my small group. I joined a Sunday school class of divorced Christians and started to work on healing, counseling, etc. I was 40 when I joined. This group was a blessing. I learned how to create vision boards, and realized that I needed a spiritual walk with others. I learned to develop boundaries, began to reflect through writing through this blog, and truly learned how to walk in faith. I was in survivor mode until I reached this point. I don't think I dealt with issues from childhood at this point, just healing from decades of abuse from my previous life/marriage. I experienced gaslighting from my family again at this point. Not one family member supported me during the divorce hearings. In fact, many remained friends with my abusive ex-husband. After all, women don't divorce in my family. They work it out. Also, there was no support of me attending church. It was a "mega" church after all. I began to experience the exact same treatment that I had experienced from my teenage years from my parents and family but I didn't notice really. I was sad, super sad. I felt super alone. God rescued me during this time. He showed me to walk in faith and how to live in prayer. 

9. Marrying Billy Jack, a man who follows Christ, 2018:  He is the answer to so many prayers and I am so grateful to have a spiritual relationship with my husband. This is new to me and I am very grateful for this experience with him. This relationship is healing me in many ways. I sometimes feel guilty for all of the past trauma that BJ has had to experience. BJ convinced me to go and join a baptist church when I moved to join him in Alpine. This was very hard for me to do, but I did it. I continued working on my vision board and spiritual health. During this time, additional custody issues were presented. Attempts to turn my kids against me were not only legally pursued but my father and brothers seemed to gaslight and I woke up to the reality one day. It was as if a light bulb went off. My father was gaslighting me, initiating issues with my mother/brothers/sisters-in-law. I realized that for my safety and personal well-being, it would be best to have strong boundaries with him and to limit the information shared with him. Last year, I worked through a lot of anger. I practiced gratitude and quiet time each morning. I learned how to pray. I have grown tremendously in my spiritual life over the last 2-3 years. 

I want to end this reflection to state that I am not a victim! The intent here is not to blame anyone but only to acknowledge that my past traumas and spiritual life were greatly impacted by people who suffered their own trauma. I am strong and am grateful. I am hoping by reflecting on this through journaling I begin to continue to unlock unconscious biases. I know that I have been equipped to help many people through my experiences and am so blessed. I want to break the patterns in which I feel targeted or gaslighted not only by my family but also at work. I am hoping to unlock how to do this lovingly through better boundaries. I am going to attempt to continue journaling but will probably not publish this selection. I may share it with my husband and counselor.